This is a (for now) free piece of art given to us with first and foremost, the intent to have fun.

This is one of those cases where I'm more enriched by seeing the authorial process in action and getting to see chapters released as they come. It has inspired some retreads on my end, and I almost fully decided to section off the Seiko-Chan interludes (I'm unsure of what else to call them) Into their own discrete narrative for myself to see if I would enjoy that more than just comparing that storyline to the main one every time a split happened. So far I enjoy reading it over as it is, though I praise the pacing breaks that the Seiko-chan interludes do provide, overall.

This has been evoking a myriad of feelings regarding my orientation in relation to this story, which is unabashedly, unapologetically t4t transfem original fic.

This is one of those passion projects that puts a harsh mirror to my own anxieties, whether it is about being trans(masc) or about just being an opaque entity. There is a bittersweet sense of understanding the logic of needing to explain, with intimate detail, how an inner monologue functions in order to feel understood by anyone, including the self! My childhood was filled with this neurodivergent fight of diminishing returns: if I could possibly explain every thought behind my actions, then people would believe that I was a good person, and that I was ultimately the protagonist in my own life. That often confused and alienated myself from kids, and let me be adultified very early in life. It meant not getting to do much talking beyond an ever expanding inner monologue. So it's interesting to see these characters get lost in their heads in ways that made sense To me, even if it slows the world down for a bit…

It comes up when the main characters mull over the ethics of cracking an egg before it could theoretically prepare itself to hatch. There are anxiety attacks to be had about the tradeoff of an immediate, sharp violence that knowledge brings versus a long term otherwise voiceless, monotone existence(and that is hopefully not a spoiler for any trans person who has thought of this premise for even a moment). The egg's fate is already prescribed without "outside help" to be doomed, even though there are theoretical routes of exposure that could alleviate the internal pressure that dysphoria already causes, but are harder for eggs to access like... friends. And "representation" (A term I'm hesitant to use and give credit to in general, not just in reference to this story.)

I also recognize that this is jealousy on my end coming through, due to knowing that a wish fulfillment fantasy like this is certainly much further from my reach due to being nonbinary( lacking more concrete routes of euphoria), and my identity coming through a lot of pain that was only tangentially related to gender. This has nothing to do with the author and isn't her fault! To be absolutely clear, I value the contrast of the clarity of euphoria to whatever I have going on. 

The power of art to evoke these sorts of feelings isn't something that I feel comfortable slotting away in the "fiction doesn't affect reality" Echo chamber, largely because I find that to be a reactionary opinion and also untrue. This is a fiction about a version of reality I have partial access to, and denying that would be somewhat disrespectful.

In the effort to create trans narratives that push against a cis-normative upbringing that could seal an egg away forever, the fight for "relatability" loses its ground for me. It was never my job to relate to things like this, but it is always an unfulfilled desire of mine. (That is perhaps the most selfish thing I could say and it is, again,  not even a critique) Simultaneously, I am not asking authors not of my marginalized experience to speak to me. All I wish for is that they speak to their experience, and then some more if they're feeling brave.

Should I have an opinion on the ethics of egg cracking if I wasn’t the best egg?

Even while writing this I realized that I wasn't a good egg! I thought of gender as rules being enforced, sexism being the primary vehicle that it was explained to me. And I didn't really harbor hatred for my past self for being carefree in that regard. It did, however, make euphoria much harder to come by, and therefore recognize. While I do smile at the small joys piling up and unlocking parts of both characters, (knowing that there are really vicious and acrid internet circles that would take the majority of the euphoric moments in the story so far and reduce them to cringe (which I loathe)), I find that this once again becomes a mirror to myself, and that, with no fault to the author, is something that I want to lash out against.

The character I probably relate to most, unfortunately, is the one who had a bad coming out experience that wouldn't have been helped by getting expedited. Which is why the safety displayed in the story can bring about feelings of jealousy in me. I didn't get that and i will say it again, I am not blaming the author for portraying what it could look like, even in a semi-fantastical lens. The existence of this character web does inform me as a reader about the amount of self awareness the author carries, the apologies she wishes to make to people who maybe weren't safe enough to make their gender happen as they grew. Even the main characters are somewhat humbled by their anxieties regarding their relative privilege in this regard, and its just one example of burgeoning responsibility to other trans people that comes across in the writing.

Loneliness is a huge plot driving force that I ultimately must respect

The thing the author jokes about as being the most fantastical is that two trans women, upon meeting and wanting a relationship, are actually near each other enough to consider dating locally. In part I definitely agree as someone who struggles with local dating and also a flavor of asexuality that makes meeting people (sexually or romantically) extremely hard. It also highlights a bit of a web formation that many of us need to partake in to find each other, like queering the map. Being trans, marginalized, or even just opaque, is a very lonely experience in the wrong environments. To me, that is what ultimately keeps me rooting for Kitty's desire to drive the plot, essentially. To believe in the author's desire for wish fulfillment by being open enough to at least try, because otherwise we're just cordoned off to our own lives as individuals, waiting for something to happen to us. 

Living right now, in this world, it's very ungratifying to wait for good things to come to me. Maybe we can believe that it's out there, that's a good first step. If we are to be so bold, maybe we can find it. If we are to be so imaginative, maybe we could even be that. That's what I like about this.

In conclusion:

Given that this story was written with a lot of levity, initially, and grew to be more serious as the length was padded out, I am not here to assign more responsibility to the author than she might already assign to herself and her extremely self-aware (most of the time) characters. I think as the rationale for the writing unfolds more I get more textures out of the story that make me come back to it, like getting the liner notes from a musical artist about how the writing for the songs coalesced. I can’t deny being able to confront something a little rotten inside of me because of this, but there is no logic to blaming a mirror for me being able to see myself in it. Gaining an awareness of my issues isn’t the problem. I just happen to feel a similar feeling in the story that boils down to: “what if i was able to have a Kitty in my life? Would i fuck it up?” And I don’t know. That’s fine